Today it feels like I am drowning.
Drowning is a strange feeling. Drowning in a non-tangible thing feels like a sham. Drowning in thoughts and emotions, as well as drowning in my work. I have nowhere to turn; all around me is this stickiness and I can’t breathe. It seeps into my nostrils and down my throat. I can’t breathe.
I am isolated in my drowning. There is nowhere to go, nobody to help. I try to push up for air, but the more I try, the more intense the feeling. Every attempt to make it better adds to my workload or makes me feel worse.
I am 23 and today I cried because I want my mum. I am cut off by the miles between us and the lack of time my pool of work steals. I want someone who understands and can look after me. But she doesn’t see me struggling. Nobody sees me struggling because I have to appear to be strong. In doing so, I drown further.
Tonight I could have wished for the bathwater I soaked myself in, to try and alleviate the stickiness, to take me. I did not. Death is futile. To literally drown would be to give in. The dread and the guilt that even considering doing so cripples me. I would let so many people down.
And so I continue to drown.