And so today I was told, not strictly in these words, that I am not good enough.
I was told some positive things, too, but the entire feeling whilst being spoken to was that I am not good enough. Tell someone they are good at 10 things, but that they are still not good enough, and you have a very upset person on your hands.
I don’t understand what more I can do. I will never be perfect, that I can accept. But I am told so many conflicting things – you need a work-life balance; you should get this list of 100000 things done and we expect you to use your weekend to do it OR ELSE.
My brain is a whirlwind at present and I am struggling to process these demands. I am struggling, in general. I cannot admit to the crippling anxiety, which only makes it worse and continues to intensify my depression. To admit it is to make it an issue. And to make it an issue will only add to the reasons I am not good enough. A vicious cycle, with no way out.
Music helps. I listen to a lot of music. And I mean listen. I like words, so I pay attention to the lyrics of the songs I love. And sometimes I wonder how anyone gets anywhere in life. Nobody is good enough. My favourite lyric at the moment comes from Lower Than Atlantis and goes “I’ve been living life inside my head with no one to turn to, now it’s too late and I’m to far gone.” I think the song is actually about being on tour and hating it because the band have been away for so long, but it is easy to relate these words to depression. Later in the song, the lyric “And if all you need to know is that I’m fine, maybe I’ll lie to save some time,” is used, and it resonates so deeply. So often I just say I’m fine, and I really am not.
This post has been significantly more muddled than my previous ones, but I suppose this is an honest representation of my current mental state. Muddled. Once again, horrible thoughts of razor blades slashed their way through my head, but it was only tears which flowed today, and they didn’t even last as long. I feel a bit better than I have been doing, and I feel a little more hopeful for the end of this depressive period. We shall see.
And maybe one day I’ll feel like I’m good enough.